“Toxic boss” is a label that gets thrown around more and more frequently, sometimes casually, sometimes jokingly, and sometimes fearfully. There are many situations where a manager’s behavior has a significant negative impact on someone’s life. This is real—and central to leadership development. Studies show that the primary reason people leave a position is because of their direct manager’s behavior (Development Dimensions International, 2024). This also means that a key reason people stay in a job is because they appreciate their leader.
What kind of leader are you? What kind of leaders work for you?
The Danger of Casual Diagnoses
During Mental Health Awareness month, it is important to pay particular attention to how we characterize people. Too often, people toss off mental health diagnoses without expertise or consideration. A person who is highly attentive to process details gets called “OCD.” An account rep who proudly highlights her accomplishments gets labeled with “narcissism.” And many bosses get written off as "toxic," as if this term carries shared meaning and offers a clear diagnosis.
But “Toxic Boss Syndrome” is not a mental health condition. Mental Health professionals are not trained to diagnose it. Unlike a formal and careful diagnosis, “toxic” is a term that closes off options for care rather than opening a path toward understanding or change. It exacerbates interpersonal problems rather than nurturing the conditions for repair and trust.
While ”toxic” is shorthand for something real, it fails to identify the specific issue, its impact, or the motivation behind it.
Start With Curiosity, Not Judgment
The next time you hear yourself—or someone else—use the term “toxic,” get curious. Ask, “What has you say that? What are you noticing?” These “what?” questions invite reflection. What is actually happening? What is someone saying or doing—or not doing? Getting specific helps move away from judgment and toward a more accurate, complete picture.
If you stop at labeling someone “toxic,” you have nowhere to go. The person becomes a closed case. You’ve given them a generalized characterization based on a few behaviors. But no one is defined solely by their worst behaviors. Just as no one can perform at their peak all the time, people also deserve not to be reduced to a single negative impression. Part of being an effective leader is to recognize these unhelpful patterns and move out of them with practices like the “What?” questions.
What might a process like this reveal?
A Conversation Example: From Label to Behavior
Scenario: Employee Emery works for Boss Bobbie. Emery describes Bobbie as toxic. Sun-Chan, a supportive colleague (or senior coach-leader), asks questions to dig deeper.
Sun-Chan: “What has you say Bobbie is toxic? What are you noticing?”
Emery: “Bobbie is so controlling and manipulative!”
Sun-Chan: “What does Bobbie do or say?”
Emery: “Always telling me how to do my job, checking my work, correcting tiny mistakes that aren’t really mistakes—just not the Bobbie way. Always in my business and not trusting me.”
Sun-Chan: “What does that look like?”
Emery: “Bobbie hits Reply All on my emails to add ‘new considerations,’ makes changes in Suggestion Mode to my work before I present it, and gets disappointed when I don’t use them.”
Sun-Chan: “What has you thinking that Bobbie is disappointed?”
Emery: “Bobbie asks what happened to the suggestion and then looks away from me when I respond.”
Sun-Chan: “Anything else?”
Emery: “Bobbie doesn’t appreciate what I do and just tells me how to do it better.”
Sun-Chan: “So Bobbie offers public feedback, makes suggestions before presentations or sending documents, looks away during follow-up, and doesn’t often call out positives. Did I get it?”
Emery: “Yes, but it doesn’t sound bad when you say it.”
Sun-Chan: “That’s because I’m naming behaviors without judgment. Do you think there could be other explanations besides ‘toxic’?”
Emery: “Maybe. Bobbie has really high standards and might not realize how it lands.”
Sun-Chan: “What could you do to let Bobbie know?”
Emery: “I guess I’d have to say something!”
Sun-Chan: “What might you say?”
Emery: “Hmm … ‘Please tell me what you appreciate in my work as well as how to improve it. Trust my judgment sometimes. Let me make my own mistakes to learn. Reply All when you’ve got things to add.'”
Sun-Chan: “How does that feel?”
Emery: “It feels good to say what I want, although I’m a bit nervous about it. And I genuinely want my boss to know how I prefer things.”
Sun-Chan: “Makes sense. I would too.”
Sometimes, the Behavior Is Harmful
In some cases, stepping back to observe behavior reveals something more concerning:
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Someone is cursing, raising their voice, or directing critical feedback toward certain identity groups.
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Someone takes credit for others’ work, imposes unrealistic deadlines, or delays progress by controlling decision points without being available.
In these situations, involving HR or higher-level leadership may be necessary. But even then, specificity about behaviors, not blanket labels, makes the issue clearer and more actionable.
From “Toxic” to Transformative Dialogue
The process of noticing your own judgment and then stepping back to ask, “What is actually happening?” can offer a more objective view and inform your next step. That step might be initiating a conversation, setting a boundary, or even planning your exit. If you’re the manager, it might mean supporting a transition for someone not a fit.
These reflection questions help provide clarity:
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What specifically are you seeing and experiencing?
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What do you want to see and experience instead?
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What’s one simple request you could make to move things in that direction?
Answering these questions can transform what once felt like a dead-end relationship into a possible path forward, even with someone you’d written off as a “toxic boss.”
References
Development Dimensions International. (2024, February 28). Why good employees leave and how to retain them. DDI. https://www.ddiworld.com/blog/why-good-employees-leave
